- 6:34 p.m.
Mother f'er if I didn't just lose an entire Mother f'n entry because I had to go pick up a Mother f'n uploaded image.
The devastation is immense.
I can't bear to recreate it.
My words were oh, so many.
I'll try, but it'll make me a bit naseous in a "I'm telling the same funny story twice, and I'm acting like it's the first time I'm telling it, aint i clever and cute". Ick.
The story involved (see, my heart just isn't in it)... The story involved a GIANT MARGARITA consumed by ME last night.
Let's start there.
I'm still slightly hungover (is that possible? I'm sort of a "new drinker") and thinking about the 3 hour dinner my girlfriend/same-sex partner/lady-lover/is-that-your-sister/meal-ticket and I shared with a long-time friend of hers (from, say grammar school, but it's actually from hebrew-school).
The friend, we'll call her BRENDA, was out for one of her first "nights on the town" since having a baby (say, oh... six months ago. Is six months the age when they still lay there and drool, but can't crawl or talk yet?). "Brenda" also went on (and on... and on) about all the things in her body that have changed and now: Itch, burn, are engorged, leak, have changed color and texture, or are looser than before. She book-ended that list with brief "vignettes" about "post-baby sex".
Okay, you're with me, right? People ate chips (not me) and "Brenda" continued on and, then suddenly she gasped with a gasp you use when you remember something REALLY IMPORTANT (or, you're choking on a tortilla chip, which I thought she was, and I imagined having to tell her 6 month(ish) old baby that her mama had choked on a chip and expired while telling a story about "post-baby sex" and I didn't wanna have to tell the baby that.
"Brenda" had some good gossip. It involved "Hot & Steamy Sex" (her words).
But first we had to order. Oy, the ordeal.
Brenda wanted "The chicken tacos with BEEF (eh?), and could they put the blah blah on the side and could she substitute the other blah with a blaaaah and could the cook use his left hand to roll the tortilla (it was good luck) and could he whistle "la bamba" (hi julie) while he was using a separate dish for her side order of blaaaah.
Exhausted, I ordered a #22 and my lady a #17 with no special requests and our heads looking down out of shame and pity for our server. The server finished scribbling his suicide note (or our order) and "Brenda" could hardly contain herself with the newly-remembered GOSSIP.
Apparently the gossip was about TINA (not her real name, and a mutual friend of my lady's and "Brenda's" who my lady vaguely remembers).
It seems that "Tina" received a phone call (an "odd" phone call) from a man asking if "FRANK JOHNSON" lived there. She told him "yes" and he hung up. Wow, that is good gossip!! But, it continued.
The man, "JEFF" (not his real name), called a few nights later and informed "Tina" that his wife, "CAROL" was having an INTERNET AFFAIR with Tina's husband FRANK. He emailed her proof (apparently the TRANSCRIPTS from their CHAT-ROOM Liasons which "Carol" had kept on her desktop in a folder labeled "naughty".
It was at this point that I zoned out of the conversation (monologe) and noticed a couple at the booth across the aisle. They were enjoying a sizzling platter of fajitas and they appeared to be in love. The smoke from the fajitas only added to the romantic atmosphere for the fajita-couple. I wondered if they were really a couple.. if they were married to each other or simply carrying on some sort of "fajita-based-affair", where they would meet up at mexican restaraunts, eat fajitas and laugh about their spouses behind their backs.
I re-entered "Brenda's" story to hear that "Jeff" had convinced "Tina" that they should go to the Hotel/Motel/Holiday Inn (say what) where their cheating spouses were meeting and "Bust in on them while they were in the act". That must be where the "hot & steamy sex" figured in.
I wandered back out of the conversation and thought about "Brenda's" husband, RICK, peacefully at home compiling digital photo albums of his 6 month old baby.... and also downloading LESBIAN PORN (go figure) and realized that he was probably RELIEVED to have "Brenda" out of the damn house tonight.
I re-joined the story once again to hear Brenda say "2 divorces, 2 broken homes... all of that for some Hot & Steamy Sex". Surely Brenda was underestimating the power of HOT & STEAMY SEX (although I wonder what "Brenda" considered HOT & STEAMY SEX to be... then I got chills/naseous thinking about that, then i gagged).
I realized in the end that FRANK had probably cheated on TINA just to get out of a marriage that included occassional dinners with BRENDA and RICK. Also, FRANK was pretty sure he'd be off of RICK's list of people he emails mpeg's/imovies of their 6 month old baby to. FRANK WAS FREE.
If it makes it any easier, neither couple had children or pets. Broken home (ish).
Me, I'm sitting here 23 hours later, wondering how BRENDA can get out more... with OTHER people.... oh, and come on-- didn't CAROL want to get caught?? Who labels a folder "Naughty"?