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Cut, cut. - 2007-02-09

No, really... how are YOU? - 2006-10-23

And now, finally: something (ish) - 2006-07-27

What Happened to March and April, eh??? - 2006-04-25

Well hello there, February. - 2006-02-16

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< L DykeWrite3 # >

2003-05-12 - 4:57 p.m.

WARNING: No chuckles or laughs today, kids. Sorry.

I’m moved to write about something that just absolutely devastates me.

It was triggered a moment ago when I signed onto AOL to retrieve my email.

I was greeted by the WELCOME SCREEN with the news of a Mother in Texas who just KILLED HER 2 YOUNG SONS and seriously injured the third. The boys, Joshua (8), Luke (6) and Aaron (14 mos) were all severely beaten by their mother with rocks.

The 2 older boys were found dead in the backyard, the third was found in his crib covered by a pillow.

THIS!!!

These mothers/monsters that kill their children…. I'm paralyzed with grief.

The profound sadness and bewilderment and inability to make sense of it and the HORRIFIC scenarios and the children’s pain and the adult’s mental illness going untreated and no one seeing the warning flags and the terror that those children must have gone through… makes me weep uncontrollably.

I cry for those little boys.

I cry SO HARD for those little boys and when I cry for those little boys, I of course think of my own little brothers (and sisters), now 22,25,28,31 & 33 but who were at one time in their lives much, much younger and were the young children of a mentally ill mother. I think of all the things they lived through during my mother’s final days before leaving her family.

I THANK my mother for leaving her family.

I THANK her for packing up all the kids belongings into garbage bags and loading the kids and the garbage bags into the Datsun station wagon and pulling up to my dad’s house and putting the station wagon into park (motor still running) and telling the kids to get out of the car… and driving off… and out of their young lives for several years.

I THANK HER FOR LEAVING.

I thank her for leaving WHEN she did.

I thank her for NOT murdering my siblings.

My therapist (ish) has been telling me over and over and over again that the best thing my mother ever did for her family was TO LEAVE. She’s right.

I’m moved even more because yesterday, Mothers Day, My Therapist (ish) had me make the effort to “acknowledge” Mother’s Day to my Mother (first time in 20 years). I drove down, made the effort (it was so painful and sad and the continued “functional mental illness” is so apparent).

My girlfriend/same-sex partner/lady-lover/meal-ticket…. the strongest, most wonderful woman—ever, was there with me, to be supportive.

((Note: Important Back-story- When my mother left I was 19.. and already out on my own. I moved in with my dad and helped him raise the kids. The relationship I have with all my younger brothers & sisters is definitely more MOM than BIG SISTER, but for the 2 boys, I was definitely the “MOTHER” they knew. About 8 years after my Mother left, she came back into town and slowly started “renegotiating” relationships with all the kids. Her “craziness” was in full swing, but everyone allotted for it, kept her at a safe distance, were cordial, and allowed her back into their lives… as “the woman who had once been their mother”. She comes to all our family events, is included in everything, but she has NEVER, EVER been a MOTHER.. since.))

My younger sisters are Mothers themselves now, and my 25-year-old Brother is married with 2 kids… and they all had their own celebrations that I visited yesterday, But, my youngest brother, the 22 year old, wanted to spend time with ME yesterday, so I told him he should come along to my mom’s house for the visit. He came along, but was totally quiet and sad (me too). It felt HUGE to be in my Mothers living room ON Mother’s day. It felt Huge and Sad.

My mother began telling a story from, like, 19 years ago, as this is the only “Mothering” time she spent with my younger brother. She said, “Do you remember that?” He said, “No, I don’t remember. The only memory I have is that once you gave me an apple, and I ate it in the car.”.

The only memory he has of my Mother… mothering him, is that once she gave him an apple and he ate it in the car.

My heart… sad.

And yet… SHE LEFT… and it was a GOOD thing.

She could have hurt them… she could have hurt them much worse.

Okay… too weepy to go on.

Sorry for the sadness.

I hope I’m back to funny soon.

xoxoxo