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Cut, cut. - 2007-02-09

No, really... how are YOU? - 2006-10-23

And now, finally: something (ish) - 2006-07-27

What Happened to March and April, eh??? - 2006-04-25

Well hello there, February. - 2006-02-16

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< L DykeWrite3 # >

2004-01-09 - 2:56 p.m.

Actions speak louder than words.

All talk and no action.

If you’re going to talk the talk, you better walk the walk.

Back in the saddle.

Back to square one.

Back to the drawing board.

Wiping the slate clean.

That’s right, I’m cliché ridden.

It’s a new year and I’m so veryvery cliché ridden as I reflect on the last several weeks and contemplate which parts to discard and which to share with y’all.

Let me set the record straight: I owe you an update. Big time.

I suck (and yet, I rock) at the same time.

The best way I can figure to update is to just let it all flow as it may, and reminded all of you that your seat does become a flotation device, there is no flash photography allowed, and please keep your hands and arms in at all times.

So, with those warnings in place, and the implied standard/set-in-stone understanding that there will be rambling, fragmented thoughts and too many words used to describe the same thing… we begin.

How were YOUR Holidays??? Let me just restart right there. Did you all make it through okay? I’m talking Thanksgiving AND THEN the torturous period of early December, deciding who to stay in touch with and who to drift ever-so-slightly away from so you don’t have to get them a gift… yeah, that period. How’d that go for you all? Please note: I did NOT drift ever-so-slightly away from YOU ALL in order to NOT have to get you gifts.

I would have, but no one asked for anything. Next time, just ask. Maybe I should place a banner ad on diaryland “Philanthropist-in-training seeks willing recipients”. How would that do? Let me just get my CASH FLOW back up and running, then watch for that offer on a screen near you.

See. Right there. Distracted and off topic. Sorry.

If you’re keeping track, that’s “OFF TOPIC” – “1”, “UPDATE”- “0”.

So, I should mention at this point that even though a lesser-woman would have, My AMAZING girlfriend/ same-sex partner/l lesbian-lover/meal-ticket/new year’s eve date has yet to kill me (or even threaten to). Imagine spending the holidays with me. Okay, now…Imagine doing that for the past 11 years. You see what I’m saying? She obviously deserves a Nobel Prize, Golden Globe award and Sainthood (if the Jews gave Sainthoods) all in one. Yes, she continues to be my wonderful, fresh, awesome, even-cuter-than-you-can imagine BEST FRIEND WITH BENEFITS. Wow. I’m lucky.

So, between Thanksgiving and Today, we had dozens and dozens and dozens of family and friends pass through the front door of our home, sit on our couches, use our bathrooms, eat and drink the items provided for them (and then some) etc. We’re talking about a lot of toilet-flushes.

With all the exposure to OTHER-PEOPLES-GERMS, I’ve been constantly “purell-ing”.(even though the process starts out as a gooey and wet glob on my hands, the magic of the frantic rubbing together of the hands and to then find them suddenly DRY and GERM FREE is both delightful and mysterious. Yippee. Lather, rinse, repeat.)

Score keepers: “OFF TOPIC” – “2”; “UPDATE”- “0.05”.

Thanksgiving, which was literally MONTHS ago, filled our home with 25 relatives of MINE, nine of them under the age of eight. Those were the EASY ones to deal with. The sixteen of them OVER THE AGE OF 23, now those… were something else. We cooked, we fed, we were thankful. No fights broke out. No old wounds were really exposed. No one choked. Thankfully, the CLEANING LADIES came the next day and found us under a pile of organic turkey bones and congealed gravy.

Days, even weeks passed. Family DRAMAS continued.

Ahhh… and here’s something you’ve been waiting for:

A real BILL AND SUE (mostly SUE) update:

Sue had moved into her new place and invited us over (she had wanted us to be her first guests, which was so sweet, but since we had such a loaded schedule, we ended up being… well, I guess we were still her first guests, just not as quickly as she had hoped).

SUE’S PLACE.

Sue is SO SET UP. She’s got her townhouse in a charming little building in a charming little sleepy town very close by. Let’s just say that BILL can still run over to her place and be there in 10 minutes if she needs a light bulb changed or a leak fixed, and indeed, he has been. Changing bulbs and fixing leaks and really getting SUE all set up. The sweetness of all he has done for her is enough to make you WEEP. He set up her BOSE SPEAKERS (surround sound); He painted “faux bricks” on her outside porch; he matted, framed and hung her pictures.

Is this not the POLAR OPPOSITE of what you think a husband might do for his wife when she tells him that she’s been attracted to women her whole life and is moving out? I think helping SUE so much has really helped BILL with the transition as well. Either that or he’s got her place so BUGGED that there’s not a single move that SUE will make that he won’t know about. (Hidden cameras in the speakers? Microphones concealed in the picture frames?? Oh and don’t even begin to wonder what’s been secretly placed in the chandelier over her new bed. Oy!)

So, we went to SUE’S NEW PLACE, she gave us the tour, we brought her a nice bottle of wine and some lesbian porn. (Okay, only the wine, but she probably would have liked the porn if we’d thought of it) and gave her our blessing and lots of good support. SUE is on a good path, is back to work, getting a routine again, and thankfully speaking to her therapist once a week. I’ll keep you posted.

MEANWHILE, the HOLIDAYS continued to approach, we went to parties, we sipped, we noshed and we laughed. We enjoyed. We felt blessed. We are blessed.

Family DRAMAS continued.

Here’s where I always get stuck.

You see, all y’all…I’m A FIXER.

It’s just my way. It always has been.

If something is wrong, I want to fix it.

If someone is feeling pain, I want to alleviate it.

Here’s what I’m learning:

I can ‘t always fix things.

I don’t have all the answers.

I’m not that powerful of a force.

I can’t undo things that have been done.

I can’t force people to make changes.

Sometimes, people don’t want things to be fixed.

So, these are lessons that I’m constantly learning, and was re-learning all throughout the holidays… and continue to learn everysingledamnday.

I’m not the solution.

I’m the sister.

I’m the daughter.

I’m the aunt.

I’m the girlfriend.

I’m the writing partner.

I’m the friend.

I’m the citizen of the universe, but…

I’m not the solution.

I can’t fix everything.

So yeah… I continue to learn THAT one.

Okay… back to the HOLIDAYS.

We spent NEW YEARS EVE at home, for the first time in many years (we’re usually in Palm Springs with our veryclosewonderful ladyladies we love who relax/vacation/weekend there, but decided to stayhome this year, due to all the LESSONS I was busy learning.)

So… we did a LAST MINUTE shout out to a few of our pals and did the whole “if you’re not busy, or stop by on your way to somewhere else” kind of invites… and, believe me when I tell you that EVERYONE came… and EVERYONE STAYED.

We blew their minds with the understated-last-minute-ness of it all.

People ate. People drank. People drank some more. Then, a bit more.

We laughed, we sat, we gossiped.

We intermittently viewed scenes from the movies “GIGLI” (gobble gobble) and “POSIEDON ADVENTURE” (good drinking game: every time a character in the movie gets discouraged, gives a speech of encouragement, or shelly winters mentions her grandchildren, you take a drink).

More laughter, a drunken(ish) version of “Name That Tune” using an IPOD containing thousands of songs… and suddenly it’s 2:30 in the morning.

Please note: The evening was interspersed with several “possible terrorism checks” by me, as I would scan CNN, FOX and MSNBC for any breaking news.

People at the party were SLIGHTLY ANNOYED at me for that. Sorry. You know the drill.

So… apparently (and I’m a relatively NEW drinker, and I don’t recommend it. Drinking, that is. (Kids: Don’t drink! Stay in school! Start saving for your retirement NOW!) but… it’s NOT a good thing to mix TEQUILLA and CHAMPAGNE. Even if it’s VERY EXPENSIVE TEQUILLA and EVEN MORE EXPENSIVE CHAMPAGNE. They do NOT dance well together. They are the Sharks and The Jets. The Hatfield’s and The McCoy’s. The East Coast Rappers and The West Coast Rappers. Keep them away from each other.

I say this now, days, even a week after THE WORST HANGOVER I’VE EVER HAD IN MY WHOLE DRINKING LIFE. (and I’ve only had a few hangovers in my life, but this was one for the record books.) I lost/wasted the entire FIRST DAY of this year. Poof. Gone. I was in bed, wet towel on my head. Periodically waking up, crying out “What did I do to myself? Help Me!!” then falling back asleep. Of course my verypatient LADY took care of me, laughing under her breath, as she probably had THESE KIND OF HANGOVERS in college…and is still amazed at my drinking novice-ness and is relieved to hear that I WON’T be making a habit of this. At least the TRAGIC-MIXING part of it.

So… after recovering from THAT… and then attending a few more get-togethers(ish), it brings us to THIS WEEK.

Whew. I’m exhausted (and a bit nauseous remembering that hangover, oy).

Basically.. in a nutshell, that sums things up. Brings us current. Tells it like it is.

And to ALL Y’ALL, thanks for your patience. Your continued kindness. Your emails/notes/guestbooks of “where the hell are you?” and “is everything okay?”and “happy holidays”. All are much appreciated and remembered.

I’m crossing my fingers right now in hopes that I won’t let myself, my loved ones OR you guys down this year.

I must write. ALL THE TIME.

Help me keep my promise.

I’ve missed you!

Good things to everyone… and more soon!

Xoxoxo me.