- 6:31 p.m.
That’s right. Damn!
I was THISCLOSE to writing this entry yesterday, which would have qualified me to continue giving myself gold stars on my own I’M BEING CONSISTENT chart.
Okay, the chart doesn’t exist, but if it did, it would be on our refrigerator and I would put little gold, green, blue or red STARS next to the column that read, “Writing in your diary, everyday”. As it is, I’m already utilizing the non-existent chart for FLOSSING and NOT OBSESSING on a daily basis. So… yeah. I don’t get the gold star.
Anywhooo… I need to CATCH UP before I can begin to REPORT things in a REAL TIME way… so, let’s just VOID OUR EMOTIONAL BLADDERS of the OTHER WACKY WEEKEND ENCOUNTER before the next weekend comes… and we start to get REALLY confused.
I believe I promised you a recap of “Visit from ANOTHER Childhood Friend”… which occurred on Sunday. Okay, put down your sandwich… here goes.
My AMAZING girlfriend/same-sex partner/lady-lover/meal-ticket/athletic-goddess received a WACKY message from a WACKY childhood friend last week. The WACKY childhood friend, we’ll call her DEBBIE (her real name.. she’s wacky, it doesn’t matter) has been “acquainted” with My AMAZING girlfriend/same-sex partner/lady-lover/meal-ticket/was-once-a-younger-version-of-herself since THEY were, say… six. Right… like Kindergarten. They also attended the same RELIGIOUS OUTLET… a place where THE JEWS go… to worship, avoid pork and eat little cookies with sprinkles on top, and when they were KIDS (say, like SIX) they would run around together, be goofy and wacky… which is okay when you’re, say… like SIX.
So…. They GREW UP (at least one of them SORTA did.... hi honey) and went to the same High School, etc… but kind of drifted apart. This happens when one person develops SOCIAL SKILLS and the other… well, doesn’t. The “DRIFTING APART” was painless and not-noticeable-to-the-human-eye… as DEBBIE found her own group of people who wanted to smell each other’s armpits and look at the SEARS CATALOG underwear section…so all was well.
COLLEGE came… and they kept in touch EVEN LESS than before.
My AMAZING girlfriend/same-sex partner/lady-lover/meal-ticket/lezzie-in-college began her days of WOMANIZING(ish) and craft-perfecting. She went to a school of the ARTS and was off to the races. DEBBIE went away to a mid-western school and made even-more friends (good for her!) and stopped leaving DRUNKEN messages on my My AMAZING girlfriend/same-sex partner/lady-lover/meal-ticket/lezzie-in-college’s answering machine.
DEBBIE met a guy, and… on a whim… MARRIED HIM. 6 weeks later, they broke up. Very Britney Spears… if Britney’s guy had been “a shady character” who “sold precious gems” and was “from a foreign country.”
Now… I realize, HUNDREDS OF WORDS into this entry, that ALL THIS BACKSTORY was probably not necessary… and yet… there it was.
SO… I “met” DEBBIE when she was going through her DIVORCE and she called continuously and came by our place one night… 10 years ago. I hadn’t heard her name since then. We hadn’t heard her name since then.
CUT TO: Last Wednesday(ish)… message on our answering machine…. Yep. DEBBIE.
“Hi… I hope this is the right number (nervous giggle)… If it isn’t.. blah, blah.. (nervous giggle, nose-blowing) if it is… (big boost in energy here) HI, it’s me… DEBBIE (nervous twitch that is so loud you can hear it).. and I’m coming to town this weekend and I really HAVE to see you ___________ (insert my co-habitants name here). I mean… really… (pause, cat screeches in the background sound of running water… sirens) Okay… I’m still here… and I hope this is you…. I really need to hear from you… if it’s you… (sound of electric can opener and garbage disposal running)… oh, wait—I’ll call your parents house… they still have the same number (sound of papers rustling, books dropping, cat screeching)…. Call me… if it’s you…okay… bye.. See you this weekend( random background noise… phone is left off the hook for 30 seconds or more… then an “oh shit”, then a giggle… then it hangs up.
The next message on the machine is from My AMAZING girlfriend/same-sex partner/lady-lover/meal-ticket/youngest-of-four-siblings MOTHER. She tells us that DEBBIE called her… and isn’t that something?… and she hopes it’s okay that she gave DEBBIE our ADDRESS…..
So… now DEBBIE had our ADDRESS. We had to call her back. So… My AMAZING girlfriend/same-sex partner/lady-lover/meal-ticket/wasn’t-gonna-call-her-back…. Calls her back. Answering Machine. Leaves a lovely message…we’re going to be out of town (we were—see Tuesday’s entry) and we’re sorry to miss her…DONE.
Except, not done. DEBBIE calls and leaves A DOZEN messages while we’re out of town… and tells us that she called My AMAZING girlfriend/same-sex partner/lady-lover/meal-ticket/youngest-of-four-siblings MOTHER again…and found out that we were coming home Saturday Night… so she was going to stop by on Sunday Morning.
Too late to pack our things and MOVE. Too late to “un-inform” THE MOTHER of our comings and goings (she’s now on a “need to know” basis in my book)… so we resign to the fact that we will be seeing DEBBIE.
7:30am Sunday Morning… the DOORBELL rings.
In t-shirts and yoga pants…we’re in t-shirts and yoga pants…My NEW YORK TIMES hasn’t been delivered yet. Coffee hasn’t been made. Whatever.
It’s DEBBIE. She is an exact aged-replica of her childhood self. She is holding a small paper bag in her hand. We invite her in. She’s bubbling with excitement (think: un-neutered puppy). She EMBRACES My AMAZING girlfriend/same-sex partner/lady-lover/meal-ticket/childhood-friend-not seen in years and I Shepard them into our family room.
Stories. DEBBIE has stories to tell us. Stories of her life since we last saw her. Incredibly awkward stories… peppered with nervous laughter. Suddenly she bursts into tears (it’s not even 8am yet) and grabs My AMAZING girlfriend/same-sex partner/lady-lover/meal-ticket/childhood-friend, not seen in years HAND… and holds it. She gets up and HUGS her…. Tight… and thanks her for helping her through her divorce (she didn’t…help her through her divorce) and tells her that she’ll never forget “THE NIGHT YOU HELD ME IN YOUR ARMS AND LET ME CRY… ALL NIGHT LONG”. (note: This never happened).
The next two things happened in quick succession: First she asked us “…what it’s like for two women to have sex (it must be amazing..)”, then she followed that up with… and note, there was NO TRANSITION…. “Could you guys give me A HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS ($100,000.00)”? That’s right. You heard me. First the SEX question, then the money question. Maybe that’s how they teach you to do it in the book “Asking for things from people you haven’t seen in over a decade”
So…. While I counted the cash out into stacks (will hundreds be okay?)…. NOT.
Well, it seems DEBBIE’s not good with money… and she really wants to buy a house… and… her parents wouldn’t give her the money… so she thought she’d ask us.
This worried me. The list was “her parents” and “us”?
So… anyway… we had to gently tell her NO… then she asked a few more random questions…then asked to use the bathroom. I was worried that after she left, the walls would be smeared with feces and the mirror would be covered with lambs blood spelling out WHY NOT?… but that didn’t happen.
Bottom Line… Wacky. Awkward and wacky. Crazy, Awkward and Wacky.
I know she has FRIENDS and a WORLD all her own in her city UP NORTH… and I don’t know WHY this VISIT happened. WHY it was important. WHY she thought that My AMAZING girlfriend/same-sex partner/lady-lover/meal-ticket/childhood-friend-not seen-in-years had HELD HER ALL NIGHT LONG… and WHAT process of elimination led her to ask us for that ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLAR ($100,000.00) cash gift…and you know what? We will NEVER know.
We were as gracious as possible for the rest of her AWKWARD VISIT, then, almost as oddly as she appeared, she disappeared. Her cell phone rang… she looked at the CALLER ID… and laughed.. a crazy, maniacal laugh….and told us she had to go.
SHE had to go.
She HUGGED US BOTH and was out the door. Poof. Poof, indeed.
My AMAZING girlfriend/same-sex partner/lady-lover/meal-ticket/what-was-that? Looked at each other… and wondered if we’d been PUNK’D… but we knew we hadn’t.
We’d been DEBBIE’D.
I don’t recommend it.
And… we’ll never know.