- 12:11 p.m.
Here's the thing about it.
This SHIT is some hard SHIT.
Please excuse my overuse of the word SHIT in that last paragraph. I don't usually use profanity, due to the high caloric and carbohydrate content, but in this case, I suppose I'm going for it. Or went for it.
I'm done now.
Anyway, the thing about reporting or diary keeping or writing or pouring your soul out is that you have to have some access. Access to either events or your soul. Either one.
If , for example, you stay in the house and barricade yourself in your office and stare out the window at the palm trees swaying in the pouring rain, the only thing you can REPORT or WRITE ABOUT might be those palm trees or the rain, or the GIANT HOLE you feel where your heart used to beat(ish).
If you have access to your soul, because it's speaking to you, singing to you, telling you the stories it wants you to tell... THEN, you have that. You can write about that. Feel THAT. Live that.
So, TODAY.... (actually, yesterday) THE RAIN FINALLY STOPPED. Today I took a deep breath. Today I wrote a letter to my friend and therapist and most-cherished human who is no longer with us. I imagine that she is lounging in the most expensive suite available at the FOUR SEASONS HOTEL... in Heaven. I imagine that she's ordering room service and watching movies she hasn't seen in a long time. I think she's taking bubble baths and getting pedicures and wearing a fluffy white robe and sleeping on Million thread count sheets and eating the most amazing chocolates before she goes to sleep.
I miss her. So much. So much that there isn't a word or symbol or series of numbers to describe it. So I'll just leave it at that.
I had previously PROMISED to start writing back in here EVERYDAY, starting Monday. You know, the MONDAY that was 2 days ago. Yeah, that Monday. As some of you who might be playing along can tell, THAT didn't happen. If I were my own boss (oh, I am), I'd be written up for not writing. I promised I would, and I didn't. Here's why, though:
It's An ADVENTURE/DRAMA that does NOT involve ANYONE with the SAME LAST NAME as ME, but instead, the SAME LAST NAME as My Amazing Girlfriend/Same-Sex Partner/Lady-Lover/Meal Ticket---
Minding our own business (whatever THAT might be) My Amazing Girlfriend/Same-Sex Partner/Lady-Lover/Meal Ticket and I were sitting in our home-offices across the loooong hallway from each other doing whatever it is that we do during the day, when suddenly THE PHONE RANG. But wait, it was HER phone, not MINE. Isn't that nice for a change? The emergency RED PHONE (non existent, but thrown in for dramatic purposes) RANG in HER OFFICE.
At the time I was watching the PALM TREES swaying due to the rainstorm outside my window, but was also watching (with one eye) as our veryVERYDEARfriend and (one half of our "bestgirlfriends" couple) was RIDING THE EXERCISE BIKE in our backyard.
That's right. You heard me. She was bundled up, hooded jacket, riding the EXERCISE BIKE in our backyard in the pouring rain. You know, she MUST get her cardio workout in. I'll add at this point, that the exercise bike is underneath an awning, but there was a small river flowing through our backyard, just inches (maybe feet) away from where she was riding. Thankfully, she didn't plug it in ("Okay... I won't plug it in. You're so sensitive...") and rode and rode and read and read. I watched, still worried that SOMEHOW electricity would conduct itself and find a way to hurt her. No! I can't lose her! Please. No!! Ahhhh, the tranquility that comes with being neurotic. So she rode, I watched, and then... THE PHONE RANG across the hallway.
It was My Amazing Girlfriend/Same-Sex Partner/Lady-Lover/Meal Ticket's MOTHER.... "Hi... blah, blah.... la dee da... blah blah... YOUR SISTER IS IN THE HOSPITAL... blah, la dee da... blah"
Very "everythings going to be okay, I'm sure" very, "it happened this morning" very "I'm at her house playing with her kids". Okay, MY FAMILY IS CRAZY with all the DRAMA, MY FAMILY is NUTS. But, the UNDERREACTION. The CALM. The "it's no big deal" of My Amazing Girlfriend/Same-Sex Partner/Lady-Lover/Meal Ticket's MOTHER.... now, come on.... THAT's maddening, right?
Chest Pains. My Amazing Girlfriends VERY SWEET SISTER had chest pains and trouble breathing. She's a wonderful girl, with a kind husband and 2 beautiful/handsome little boys and she had CHEST PAINS. She called 911.
She was admitted to the hospital, and at FOUR O'CLOCK in the AFTERNOON, 8 hours after it happened, we received the casual phone call from THE MOTHER.
We called the hospital and insisted we were coming. Her sister said, "No, don't bother, I'm okay..." but we insisted right back to her.
We informed VERYVERYDEARFRIEND who had just finished riding the exercise bike in the rainstorm, and we made our way through flooded streets and road closures and breaking news of swiftwater rescues to a Hospital deep in the valley to visit the HOSPITALIZED VERY SWEET SISTER of My Amazing Girlfriend.
We arrived, soaked, found the 5th floor and were greeted, upon elevator doors opening, by stacks of hospital beds, furniture and filing cabinets all moved up to the edge of the elevator opening. A small handwritten sign informed anyone who mistakenly arrived on THIS 5th floor that there were no patients here. This 5th floor was closed. Please see the 5th floor in THE NEWLY RENOVATED WEST TOWER.
Finally, we find the 5th floor of THE NEWLY RENOVATED WEST TOWER and we find THE HOSPITALIZED VERY SWEET SISTER. We hug, question, hug again and sit. We watch "Friends" reruns. We observe blood being drawn by an unfriendly woman who shouldn't have a job where she is required to wear white.
Her dinner arrives (shown below via badquality camera phone pic):
This is supposed to help her feel better??
Anyway, we stayed, her husband came, brought kids, I made balloons out of latex gloves (a special treat developed during too many hours spent in hospitals throughout the years) and hopefully created a memory for the young ones regarding latex glove balloons and their lesbian aunt and her girlfriend.
Today, VERY SWEET SISTER of My Amazing Girlfriend is Home. It was some sort of ANXIETY ATTACK situation. Indeed. We are going to keep an eye on her and make her talk about THINGS and EXPRESS HERSELF and breathe.
In the end, since everything turned out fine, I have to admit that it was NICE to NOT have THIS ONE be about MY FAMILY. For once. Just this once. Just this once, we weren't rushing and worrying and weeping over MY FAMILY. Or ME. Or Mine.
Wow. That was long.... and I didn't even say anything.
Okay.... I'm off to look out my window at the swaying palm trees.... and DO SOMETHING.
Be good to yourselves.
More soon. Hopefully tomorow. We'll see if I can do that.