- 8:20 p.m.
Hellooooo all y’all. Just a quick check in, as my days have been CHOCK FULL of FULLNESS (and that’s a “good full”, NOT the kind of full, like “my bladder is full and there’s no rest stop for miles” Full, but more like “I’ve never had this much sex in my life” kind of full, only it’s not sex (or is it?) but it’s WRITING and COLLABORATING and CREATING and I’m just brimming with the GOOD that comes from THAT KIND OF FULL. (okay, and maybe it’s the sex too. We’ll never know, will we?)
Anyway, the one “less than great” goings-on has been the hospitalization of my dear friend “Sally”. Sally is a wonderful, kind, wacky LADY of the LADIES who I hope to write manymany paragraphs about in future installments. TODAY I will tell you about THE WHY and THE HOW of her current hospital stay.
A few years ago “Sally” and her Girlfriend, “Vicki” (oh, she’d hate that alias… not because “Vicki” is a bad name, it’s not, it’s lovely, she’s just SO not a “Vicki”… but anyway) “Sally” and “Vicki” wanted to get pregnant and have a little “sally” or “vicki” (or timmy or bobby) and so “Sally” started taking ALL THOSE TERRIBLE DRUGS you take to confuse your body into producing more of SOMETHING (?) so that it’s easier to get pregnant.
She took the drugs, they bought the OTHER INGREDIENT (hmmm, what was that? Uhhhh.. I think it rhymes with “squirm”) and off they went. Months later, and after many failed attempts and tears and hilarity... SHE GOT PREGNANT! Then, sadly, her body developed some sort of EVIL TUMOR-LIKE THINGS, that overtook her woman-parts and she had a MISCARRIAGE. Sigh……………
Shortly after that, and after many “Fuck you’s” to the EVIL TUMOR-LIKE THINGS and to her Woman-Parts, they adopted. Twins. TWIN GIRLS. Beautiful. Two Girls and Two Grrrls. Perfect.
Now, a few years later, and apparently, those EVIL TUMOR-LIKE THINGS are back. Back and overtaking her Woman-Parts. Those Bastard EVIL TUMOR-LIKE THINGS.
So, she’s in the hospital to have the EVIL TUMOR-LIKE THINGS removed, they went in
(if you will, and by “went” I mean “cut” and by “in” I mean “IN”.) and upon arrival found that the EVIL TUMOR-LIKE THINGS had taken over the joint (and by joint, I mean “VAJOINT”) and in addition to the EVIL TUMOR-LIKE THINGS, they had to also take most of her INTERNAL WOMAN-GIBLETS. Yikes, right?
So, on Tuesday, My Amazing Girlfriend/Same-Sex Partner/Lady-Lover/Meal Ticket/Excellent Driver drove with me to THE HOSPITAL of the STARS and we visited with “Sally”.
She didn’t want people making a big deal about it, so we were referring to her “procedure” as a “manicure/pedicure”.
Upon our arrival, here’s what we saw: (please excuse the crude quality camera phone pic)-
And now, your handy guide to OUR VISIT WITH SALLY:
1) Meet “Sally” as she lies in her hospital bed, somewhat out-of-it, as she’s just had numerous EVIL TUMOR-LIKE THINGS removed, as well as most of her INTERNAL WOMAN-GIBLETS. All that’s left of her is a gown and her right hand.
2) Meet “Sally’s” Antibiotic and self-dispensing MORPHINE drip. That’s right, you heard me. SELF-DISPENSING. Sally was really putting the Mmmmmm in Morphine, and the Ssssssssss in SELF-DISPENSING. Because of this, yesterday was difficult as they tried to “wean” her off of it. She’s now weaned, but looking for ways to self-dispense caffeine immediately upon her arrival back home.
3) See the GET WELL CARD we brought to her.
4) See the tiny flowers we brought. Remember, it was just a “manicure/pedicure”, right?
5) See the tube that leads to some sort of BAG OF BODY FLUIDS that rests at the foot of Sally’s bed. Ick.
6) See a small, stuffed replica of “THE BIG RABBIT in the SKY” Sally’s personal representation of her higher power. That’s right, Sally likes to think of “GOD” as “THE BIG RABBIT in the SKY”. We love her even more for that, right?
So… that’s what we saw… and she’s feeling much better today, and will go home tomorrow and try not to laugh, bend or any other action verb for 2 weeks or so.
AND--- to be FILED UNDER- "Stuff you may not have needed to know about me": I will be “having my monthly” in the next day or so, and I’ve decided to FLOW this month… in honor of SALLY… and her recently departed INTERNAL WOMAN-GIBLETS.
Farewell SALLY'S INTERNAL WOMAN-GIBLETS... we hardly knew ya.
And y’all… you be good to yourselves…
especially YOU, not-as-young, but still so-very-young Rachel in HB. You hear me?
Xoxoxo more soon