2003-04-25 - 6:43 p.m.

I'm still shaking... and washing my hands-- over and over and over again. I can't get clean enough. I can't get the imagery out of my head.

Let me start by saying that this incident occured in a beloved local eatery with much tradition, nostalgia and popularity with my girlfriend/same-sex partner/lesbian-lover/meal-ticket...so we'll have to go back-- over and over and over again, and i'll just need to get over this, er-- incident.

Scene: Busy lunchtime crowd, some friendly, others pushing past elderly and handicapped to make their way in.

I've already mentioned my former days as a bedwetter (long ago, don't get excited if you're reading for the first time and think you've found all your fetishes in one place:

It's "blah-blah" the bed-wetting lesbian".)

So it's usually my opportunity to use the restroom at most locations that I visit for more than an hour (think of what fun I am on ROAD TRIPS!!).

I've used my share of NIGHTMARISH, hideous, filthy bathrooms (and that was just at my childhood home);

(I'll pause a minute and allow you to reflect on some of YOUR worst public bathrooms visited).

Time elapsed: One minute.

Don't jump to conclusions, however. Today's event had nothing to do with the cleanliness of the bathroom. Today's bathroom (SEE ITEM # 1 in the above graphic for visual representation) was very clean.

As I made my way in, a very bitchy woman (possibly frigid and bi-curious, a terrible combination) was talking on the cell phone while looking into the mirror and FLOSSING (that's right, I said it-- flossing).

Note: I've represented her with IMAGE #2 in the above, but was unable to find someone who looked bitchy and was flossing and talking on the cell phone. My apologies.

Public Flossing! I (somehow) held down my lunch (cobb salad, no tomatoes) and entered the empty stall. I heard some commotion outside the stall, and realized that flossing, frigid, bi-curious cell-phone lady was arguing with another restroom-patron.

The commotion ended ( i never would have been able to pee with the tension-filled air) and I could finally put down my usual 4-layers of protective paper-covers and begin the process of.... you know, pishing.

I innocently glance to my left, assessing the toilet paper availability when I see that this otherwise pristine bathroom has one flaw. ONE HORRIFIC FLAW.

The area where a "2nd roll" of toilet paper should be is empty. Vacant. Not only vacant, but completely missing. That's right. My stall has a toilet-paper-roll-sized-view INTO THE NEXT STALL.

(i'll pause while you share my horror)

Yes, that's right.

Before I knew what was happening to me, I saw it.

The unbelievably, almost super-human, incredibly-strong urine stream of...... flossing, frigid, bi-curious cell-phone lady.

That's what I'm saying. It's obvious that flossing, frigid, bi-curious cell-phone lady was in "downhill skier" position used by many women in public restrooms, but she was in a very high version, or she was super-tall (and frigid, poor thing). Needless to say--the unbelievably, almost super-human, incredibly-strong urine stream was shooting into it's target right past the "missing toilet paper roll" space that I shouldn't have even glanced through. Note:The unbelievably, almost super-human incredibly-strong urine stream is represented by the 3 images known as IMAGE #3 above. (Strong + Urine+ Stream)

Did you know if you do a google "image search" for "Strong Urine Stream" nothing comes up??

Anyway.... Strong Urine Stream is now emblazoned in my mind. It's the thing I see when I close my eyes.

Help me.

Oh... and be careful in those public restrooms.

xoxoxo