2004-02-17 - 6:18 p.m.

Kids. People. Online Reader-Friends.

I'm over. Over-whelmed.....

No, make that: Oy. Oy-ver-whelmed.

BUT... it's a GOOD oy-ver-whelmed... and it involves a wonderful project and it's me and My amazing Girlfriend/same-sex partner/lady-lover/meal-ticket/boss-o-me-for-now working together.... it's just, as I said 2 lines ago... oy-ver-whelming.

We're in pre-production now (again with the oy's) and we shoot in the beginning of March (double oy)... but we have THE MOST AMAZING ACTORS.... and My amazing Girlfriend/same-sex partner/lady-lover/meal-ticket/boss-o-me-for-now is a kick-ass director.... and the script... (hi to me) is pretty damn good... so... yeah... there.

BUT, part 2: Let me tell you something TOTALLY UNRELATED... but important to you, my Online Reader-Friends:

I got a call from SUE.

Okay.... here's the thing. I've tried to be supportive to SUE (as you've read right here in these pages) but... as I think you also know, SUE and I were only "neighbors" before her journey into golden-yeared lesbianism began... and I've been glad to be a listening ear and helpful and sympathetic whenever possible.... BUT... (BUT, part 3) I had to draw a line... and it was a terrible, hard line to draw. Here's why:

Remember I told you that SUE had called me a few weeks ago and told me she was IN LOVE with her LESBIAN THERAPIST??? Yes, you remember. I talked to her, I tried to calm her down, I tried to get her to see the reality of it all ..... and I tried to be patient and kind and loving.... and she deserved that compassion... and I was happy to give it.

Okay... cut to: LAST MONDAY NIGHT. We had just been through a VERY LONG, EMOTIONAL DAY... things had been going on with members of my family, in addition to the rollercoaster of the project we are working on.... LIFE... life was happening ALL AROUND ME... and I was just about all spent. Used up. Closed for the season. No more milk left in the carton. A flat tire.

An empty pocket. You get my drift.

We walk in the house at 9:30pm and the phone is ringing...I answer it, thinking it's the follow up to the family drama previously mentioned... and I hear a female voice on the other end... SOBBING. Sobbing with such intensity that it ripped straight thru my heart. I THOUGHT it was MY MOTHER, as she is somewhat UNSTABLE and tends to SOB in that manner from time to time without invitation... except... it wasn't my mother... it was SUE.

It was 9:30pm at the end of an exhausting, emotional day, and SUE was SOBBING into MY PHONE.

She told me (through enormous sobbing tears) that she was STILL IN LOVE with HER THERAPIST and had just gotten off the phone with HER THERAPIST who wouldn't take her seriously... so she had just TAKEN A "whole bunch" of PILLS. "That'll show her", she told me. "I don't want to live"... she continued. I listened.

I was empty, remember? I was recovering from the fact that the sobbing voice on the other end of the phone WASN'T my mother or other assorted unstable family members... I tried to talk to SUE, but she just wanted to be told that SHE WAS RIGHT... and I questioned her: "How many pills did you take, Sue?" "What kind were they"? I was now becoming frantic, even though I was exhausted, at the thought of SUE, sitting on the floor in her new little townhouse in a charming little town nearby with an empty bottle of pills laying in front of her... and I.... I was the person she called.

Wait... I can't be THAT PERSON for SUE. I have too recently gone thru my sister's suicide attempt to be THAT PERSON for SUE.... to be the one that races to her townhouse or calls 911 or fixes everything....

She wouldn't tell me WHAT she had taken... she wouldn't listen to WHAT I was trying to say.... I asked her... begged her to call 911... and she wouldn't: ("Why? I don't care if I live!) I couldn't call 911 because I don't have her new address written down anywhere.... and I was SO EXHAUSTED and couldn't believe that I was the person she called when she took the pills.... and I was empty and tired...So.... I did the only thing I could think of: I told her I was calling BILL. I told her to sit still and that I was calling BILL. And I did. I called BILL.

He answered the phone, I told him it was me and he seem puzzled to be hearing from me. He hasn't been so friendly since SUE left... and I'm not sure if he has placed some of the blame on US... or if he resents us for being WHO we are... or if he's just been keeping to himself because SUE is gone... but... he was puzzled to be hearing from me.

I told him that SUE had just called me... and that she told me she had taken a bunch of pills... that she was really depressed.... He asked me "Why did she call YOU?" and I didn't have an answer for him. I told him to please call her right away.... and we both hung up.

I have no idea what's happened with SUE. She hasn't called... and I haven't called her (I can't seem to get myself to do that... and I know she must have lots of feelings and issues with how that all went down...etc)

Don't hate me... Online Reader-Friends. I'm beating myself up about it. I wish I'd had it for her that night... I wish I had more to give to her... but I just didn't. I didn't mean to let SUE down... I didn't know I was THAT PERSON for her..... I just didn't have it to be THAT PERSON for her.

So.... that's what I wanted to tell you guys.

I'm sorry... because I usually am able to be THAT PERSON for people.

Okay.... buzzkill. Sorry.

Sadness has filled my little eyes.... i better go.

More soon... i promise.

xoxo