2005-01-28 - 4:35 p.m.

All week, all month... all year.
Nope.
Although no longer FILLED with the sadness, it lingers. It's right here, and I'm working hard at replacing it (with folgers crystals) or hope, or the idea of hope or good things or the idea of good things, but so far-- no such luck.

This last weekend was the memorial service for my beloved friend and therapist and spiritual tour guide and wise mother-figure.
It was amazingly beautiful and so very, very hard and filled with so much of HER and I know I need to let go.... I'm working on that.
I am. I promise. (fingers were crossed behind my back, but I just uncrossed them. THAT is how hard I'm trying). NOW I promise (with uncrossed fingers) that I'm trying.

Words, music, people, thoughts, ideas, stories, feelings. I was, I realize, In shock the whole time.

My amazing Girlfriend was by my side, holding me up, hugging me, giving me her strength. I was sooooooo not in my head... actually faced with the reality that THIS was where we were supposed to say GOODBYE. It was real. REAL. She was gone. Ohhhhhhhhhhhh.

So, now... this was supposed to be THE FIRST WEEK OF THE REST OF MY LIFE (blah, blah... my own lame attempts at setting myself up to succeed/fail based on if I can catch a break and pull it together and re-join my life). So far, NOT SO MUCH.

BUT. But.... I must. I will. If I don't return to the script, If I don't finish that script--- If we don't shoot this movie.... well, that just can't happen. SO-- I'm lighting candles and I'm trying. More on that as it happens.

I'm looking out the window into our backyard and I can see my Amazing Girlfriend, with the "just rained" blue-pink-purple sunset behind her, jumping rope. She's wearing small boxing gloves and jumping rope. She probably has a song in her heart as she jumps rope at 5:00pm on a friday. She's a keeper.

I'm off to prepare. For what? Exactly.

Wishing you all a beautiful weekend.
xoxoxo more soon-- ME